dream sandwich

So there I am at work, arranging and re-arranging the toy dinosaurs and gyroscopes when it hits me:  I’m soo over it.  So, I walk around folding and refolding the t-shirts in that boxy, professionally folded way, and try to come up with a plan.

“Sarah,” I hear someone say from the door.  “the hoagie is waiting.”  Then lo and behold, who is it but young Hulk Hogan in all his bronzed glory.  I just stand there holding the t-shirt.  He stares back at me with his glacier-colored eyes.  Not knowing what to do, I look down at the t-shirt I’m folding.  It has a picture of a motherboard with the phrase “love thy mother” written on it.  I look back at the Hulk.  He widens his eyes like a Maori warrior, signalling that he won’t wait much longer.  I drop the shirt and take the hand he extends to me and we rush outside.  Taking gigantic steps to keep up, all I can see is the ground and his shiny, mustard-colored boots.

Naturally, when we stop, I’m surprised to see him climbing aboard a giant hoagie.  It has to be about 20ft long, and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.  The top piece of bread is about the color of the Hulk himself, and gleams in the rays of the setting  sun.

“Crawl aboard,” he says, in his raspy, gruff voice.  I don’t argue and my legs come to rest on some comfortable lettuce.  Just as I’m getting settled, the hoagie starts to slide forward, propelled by some mysterious force.  As we glide out of the parking lot, I peak over the edge and see what looks like French Dip sauce appearing from nowhere.  We pass row after row of mini-vans leaving the science museum parking lot, and ease out into the open road on our delicious log flume.  As the trees begin to get more sparse, it occurs to me that I have no idea where we’re headed.

“Where are we going,” I yell up to the Hulk.

“What?!” he says, making me think he damaged his hearing during his Hulkamaniac days.

“Where are we going?” I scream, this time, trying to project the length of the sandwich.

“Oh,” he says, smiling and nodding.  He waits so long to answer I think he doesn’t hear me.  Finally he says, ”

“Does it matter?” with a mischievous, WWF-style grin.

And as we french dip further off into the lengthening horizon, I heard myself mutter, “I guess not, Hulk, I guess not.”

p.s. This story was written before this totally righteous photo was found. Get your brain around that!

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amc jams 5: the big sleep

it’s pretty much impossible not to like this movie, especially if it’s raining and you have Chinese food.  lauren bacall looks amazing in everything, all the costumes are perfect, and you have an hour and a half to think about how at one point in time, a whole country considered humphrey bogart extremely handsome.

i read the book though, & it was not anything to shake a stick at.  i mean, i get that it’s a certain genre of literature, and i think it works in film, which thrives off the objectification of women giving the viewer amazing costumes as a barter for values, but is not for me in paperback.  i have never read so many metaphors about women being like dogs with their “sharp little teeth” and their bloodthirsty gazes.  also, these same bloody women with dog teeth are totally turned on by physical abuse & murder. sounds just like real life, raymond chandler. in my opinion, chandler’s fiction can go sleep “the big sleep” for all i care.

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amc jams 4: the best years of our lives

contrary to the title of this movie and the happy looks on these people’s faces, this was the saddest  movie ever!!!  i’m sure that in 1946 when it was made, there weren’t that many anti-war commentary films being made and so it was very earth shaking and moving. but now, most films are about war or something as totally horrible, so it was just like watching a train wreck. one of the main characters actually gets his hands blown off & replaced with hooks. talk about a super bummer. it also celebrates some bright moving moments of enjoying human life, but they pale in comparison to the amount of wading through your own salty tears that you have to do to see them.  don’t watch it unless you have to for a film class!

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amc jams 3: all about eve

all about eve is a kick-ass movie about “finding your inner bitch”(phrase copywritten by theresea street 2009).  i watched this movie while cleaning my house and still knew what was happening!  actually, it’s about how expendable people are in Hollywood or any “industry” or whatever, but you get the point.

it’s basically about bette davis, who plays an almost washed up/terrifying actor called margo channing, and this little super jerk eve, played by anne baxter.  bette davis is totally amazing because she throws these little miniature fits, and because she’s awesome.

totally the kind of babe you’d want on your side. anyway, anne baxter, who played eve, did some important acting in her lifetime. she isn’t as memorable in this film though because she is not as terrifying at bette davis, and because you wind up hating her in the end.  but also, look how cool she looks in The 10 Commandments:

“what’s up technicolor queen nefertiti?” anyway, the point of this movie is that you have to be careful who you let hang out with you or they might gank all you fame. all about eve is practically the same movie as exit through the gift shop only the former has cooler costumes and less banksy.

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amc jams 2: adventures of robin hood (1938)

great costumes.
service minded.
homoerotic.

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amc jams 1: the african queen

my distinguished friend, playwright thomas patrick tarpey, once went & watched all the movies on the top 100 most important film list. i don’t remember what list this was, so i just got one off amc.com. i realize that this is not the most distinguished website, but they’re the second best old movie channel next to tmc which really only shows boring films anyway.

the point is, the first movie i watched was the african queen, with bogie and katherine hepburn. the film is in color, and the rough story goes like this: british brother and sister spend a decade in africa as missionaries until a bunch of dumb nazi’s come and wreck everything and steal everyone. the brother dies from fright because he’s not american, and katherine hepburn takes off down the river with bogie, a fun-loving, dull-witted but dashingly handsome, functional alcoholic. here is my review of some of the finer points of the film:
1. hepburn does not wear a pant suit throughout the
whole shebang.
2. i couldn’t have a conversation with either of these 2
before noon, that’s for sure.
3. just because you can’t see a crocodile at the time, it
doesn’t mean it’s a good time to hop in an african river
nekkid.
moral of the movie: sometimes being your wacky self can get you exactly where you need to be. also, it helps you get something cookin’ on the love seat.

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nashville!

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